Narcs are also victims

by Mar Peters
(Houston, TX, USA)

some other way

some other way

-Characteristics of a narc
-Consequences of a narc's personality on individual
-Individual blames narc for his/her pain
-BUT Narcissism is a disorder (gray matter area brain)
-We do not abhor victims of other mental/physical conditions
-We blame the narc;
-We blame the victim

-We, children of narcs would be better off learning to FORGIVE our abusers, since living with hate for them is unbearable. We become them. But we are healthy+, and they are not.

We need some understanding, which I don't have.

At 60 years of age, my adored 87 year old mother discarded me and moved to another country. I miss her, but I have to protect myself from her abuse.

I do not blame her because I think what horrible conditions did she have to live as a child to turn into this monstrous woman?

I don't want to be cruel just because she was cruel, but won't be there for her to abuse any longer either.

Thank you.

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I'm not convinced!
by: David

Mar,

Thanks for writing.

Narcissism may be a disorder, but these people do know right from wrong and are held accountable for their actions in most countries, unlike, for example, paranoid schizophrenics. Narcissists also wreak havoc in many people's lives, on purpose!

They themselves do not consider themselves defective in any way. In fact, they do not go for treatment for narcissism. They consider themselves so superior to others that they don't consider that they need any help (occasionally for depression, but they don't stay to be treated for the narcissism!)

I agree that living with hate for them is not useful, but neither is it necessary to forgive. Undoing the mind control that they use on their victims is enough for the victims to pick themselves up and learn to have normal healthy relationships again.

You recognize the abuse that your mother inflicted, but you still miss her. This suggests that she still has a hold over you. Some understanding of mind control would indeed be useful for you , so that you can separate from her and continue your life without her influence.

And it is generally accepted that narcissists are born, not made. So when people feel sorry for people like this, it suggests a belief that people are generally good and a bad upbringing has made them do bad things. The reality is that not everyone is a good person. Some are born evil.

If you'd like to know more, sent me a note on the contact page and I would be happy to talk more.

Regards,

David.
Interesting conversation!
by: Grace Peterson

I like what you say David about it not being necessary to forgive. The Christian community typically places an inordinate (in my opinion) emphasis on forgiveness which seems to perpetuate the victim mentality. However, like you said, "Undoing the mind control that they use on their victims is enough for the victims to pick themselves up and learn to have normal healthy relationships again." Bravo. It's about escape and relearning, not about forgiving. And I believe forgiving is a natural bi-product of the relearning process. It doesn't need to be forced. It happens in its own time.

I will admit that I still miss my abuser, "Brock". I suppose he still has a hold over me. I don't plan on reestablishing a relationship with him but I grieve for what could have been had he not been such an arrogant asshole and I wasn't so needy.

I am leaning towards the belief that, like you point out David, narcissists are born not made. It's the only thing that makes sense. In my case, my mother was aloof and distant, supposedly because HER mother was aloof and distant. And yet, I've always been a nurturing mother to my kids. Since I grew up without nurturing, it would seem I would continue the dysfunction, right?

It seems that this is the same for you, Mar, since you state, "We are healthy, they are not."

Maybe narcs are victims, maybe not. Maybe some are and some aren't. I don't think it's a clear cut thing. Humans are way too messy to categorize so neatly.

Thanks for letting me share my two bits. :)

all well
by: Anonymous

In the long run it is only when we love ourselves enough that we learn to say no to our abusers.

That is easy to say. But hard to impliment when you have been hounded around by sociopaths since you were a child.
Sequence is important
by: David

Hi,

I still think the sequence has to be

1. Learn about mind control and psychopathy
2. Say no
3. Re -learn who you are so that you can love yourself

It takes 12 to 18 months to undo a pseudopersonality and within that time frame it's easy to say no to psychopaths. And you also get to know yourself well.

Anything else takes a lot longer.

Many people spend years trying to get over a bad relationship and some never fully recover. And that's because they are not following the sequence above.

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