The road to hell is paved with good intentions; its all cruel irony really.
by August Moon
I need to share bit of lengthy background on myself and my encounter with an admitted sociopath before I can talk about my encounter with this... nebulous cult.
I am an avid Second Life user, and somewhat into D/s and so this is mostly online really.
Something like five or six ago I woke up one morning and realized I hated what I'd become and resolved to change... that didn't really end up happening no matter how much I've tried.
In recent times, I've shared many of these negative and destructive behaviors in my treatment of others, at least when I wasn't turning them on myself in a self-destructive frenzy, and never really realized the sociopathic manner I treated others until I met... ah, lets call her "Thorns".
We shared similar skillsets and personalities, and she spoke to me as an equal, but not in a "we're both dominant" manner, it had more overtones of "I'm a manipulative sociopath, and I think you're one too." It made me distinctly uncomfortable.
The more I talked to her, the more I began to examine myself and realize that I wasn't exactly a good person. I felt like I was looking into a mirror, and I didn't like what I saw.
She had all but admitted that she was an amoral manipulative sociopath, I actually think she enjoyed it. I became absolutely obsessed with exposing Thorns for what she was. It was important, I HAD to do it, my obsession was so all-consuming that I barely noticed exactly what sort of mental poking she was making and what was going on around me.
In the end I guess the whole time I had been playing into whatever designs she had on me. I was going through a rough patch in my relationship and I made the mistake of leaning on her for support. Under the guise of being a caring friend she encouraged the breakup that occurred, indirectly causing the suicide attempt that followed shortly after.
A while later, a close friend who we'll call "Angel" changed after meeting Thorns. No one noticed but me, and everyone tried to write it off as stress from her real life move out of the country. But... I noticed something else, her personality had become somewhat colder.
Friends wrote me off as me being crazy and that nothing was wrong and nobody would believe or listen to me, its only recently that I've found someone who noticed the change too and even listened to what I had to say.
But eventually, it was no longer fun to Thorns, and she got bored and stopped talking to me. It took me two and a half years to realize that the entire time she had been subtly conditioning me. I didn't take it well. Fun irony really, I'd repeated the same eight words for two years trying to convince others about Angel without looking in the mirror "She(I use her name) changes people. That is what she does."
Thorns has somewhat damaged my life in some ways I haven't been able to fix. Because of our similar interpersonal skillsets, I spend more of my day than I care to admit terrified that I am going to turn into her. Its gotten bad enough that my self-destructive depressive episodes have only been increasing in frequency. I think I would rather die than turn become her.
And now we get to now.
I'm... doing better about my personality, I've been trying NOT to view people as valuable resources. Although I do think a lot of the improvement on my personality has had a lot to do with how things with Thorns have triggered my growing unwillingness to interact with others and personal worries that friends secretly do not like me.
And I think that I haven't entirely improved... that's pretty much what is causing all this. There's a woman, we'll call her... I don't know... ah "Nue". We will call her Nue as a somewhat veiled reference to how I compare things with her to.
She has this... cult of personality, this depraved sex cult. And in an online world of where its all imaginary play with things like implied consent that's not always evil or wrong.
Except when there may not actually be implied consent.
Nue was a friend who I somewhat disliked for personal reasons, but still respected. (and viewed as a resource, that part is central to my feelings of guilt and culpability in this).
Because of that, I felt that she was someone I could ask for advice about a friend who I thought was being sexually abused in real life. (I later found out I was wrong, but that's not important to this)
Nue immediately responded with "maybe she's daddy's fucktoy" (exact quote). The entire conversation got worse and I pretty much lost all respect I had for her.
She expressed how some of those in her harem are sexually abused in real life and that she's done nothing about it because they're "happy" and, I'm not an expert on psychology, but I'm pretty sure that after being raped by family growing up its less "happy" and more along the lines of stockholm syndrome.
I tried to argue that, but Nue waved off my points dismissively. And proceeded to relate a story how one left after her father got her pregnant.
During the course of the whole conversastion I realized that Nue was actually a predator who preyed on the vulnerable and abused under the pretense of helping when its likely for her own entertainment.
She created a totaltarian dictatorship that a certain "religion" (that the name Nue is a veiled reference to) I will not name would be proud of. She controls information via shunning and telling people what to think.
And... I feel responsible, and probably in many ways am because I had chances to shut her down before she even had this cult but hadn't realized what she was.
Or... I've always had a good sense of people, I knew Thorns was horrible before I ever actually talked to her, I might have just not wanted to see it. I kind of knew Nue was... I just... always assumed it was bias because of things that had happened between us previously.
I don't really know what to do anymore, and yes, I recognize this is the same type of unhealthy obsession that caused everything with Thorns. I've asked a variety of people and it boils down to one bulletpoint: "sometimes the hardest thing to do is accept the things you cannot change and walk away."
I tried that. I tried to pretend it had nothing to do with me even though I felt it had everything to do with me. I was the only one who knew what she really was, if I didn't do something nobody would. But what could I do, what she's doing isn't technically illegal at all.
Out of sight, out of mind, right? Until it wasn't. A close friend... White we'll call her... became friends with Nue despite that I had explicitly warned her to stay away. (she apparently can't keep track of everyone I talk about)
I guess I do have some of the hallmarks of a sociopath (oh god, I really am turning into Thorns), I rarely do anything myself, choosing to act through proxies. (but quite a bit of that ties into things with Thorns) For once though, I forwent the proxies and immediately went to see her to tell her to stay away from White.
Then... things got incredibly uncomfortable. She feels that strictly speaking, since I don't own White, I had no authority to ask this of her. And then she extended an invitation to me.
She offered me some manner of power and authority over her harem, companionship of those around her, a place to belong. All things that I want or need. I don't like admitting and haven't really admitted to anyone how close I came to saying "okay". It bothers me that I would have for sure said yes if I hadn't recognized exactly what she was doing.
Its not that I'm suddenly okay with all this, I just... I get so lonely. and some of what she offered I actually need. and I think I'm crying now. I hate when I cry. And... this isn't the only time she's made some manner of offer and I came close to saying "yes" out of weakness.
I've only tried to do better, and I guess I've heard this phrase so many times as a child that it practically is brainwashing: "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
I'm not a horrible person, and even I can recognize that the same manipulative ability Thorns uses to harm others can be used to heal them. I think a famous quote is "There exists for everyone a sentence; a series of words, that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you."
My words are the only power I have, and Thorns and Nue will always be more capable. And thus, through my less positive moments of mine, and my unwillingness to take action when there was still time, I have indirectly allowed all of this to happen. I hate myself for it
I've changed the names myself, even though my nicknames for people don't make them readily identifiable, because there are people who know them and I am terrified of anyone I know finding out I am writing this, even though the name I put on here is a thinly veiled reference to my own.
Its... not that anything will happen to me, its that... while I can express some of these things about Thorns, about me, about other things, during crazed tirades in some of my worse self-destructive depressive episodes, going into more emotional detail like I somewhat have makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and uncomfortable with myself.
I would rather the people I know view me as a psychotic, borderline, and bipolar wreck than see exactly how helpless, vulnerable, and weak I feel.
I feel so pathetic right now, pouring my heart out to complete strangers like this and to be honest I'm not sure how much of me implying I'm a terrible person is true, how much was influenced by Thorns, and how much is just my self-loathing issues.
I'm not even sure what I'm trying to get across at this point, I just... god, its all my fault, I could have stopped all this. I want to do something and I can't, and I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.
I think more than anything I just want someone to listen, who isn't writing what I have to say off as a depressive tirade.